Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Add 'Here' to 'Places I Don't Belong'

You know what, I kind of give up trying to be a New Englander. Not that I was trying all that hard in the first place, but now I’m going to stop all efforts completely. I want to go back to the Midwest where people are normal and don’t make fun of me when I talk.

I knew when I moved here I would have to prepare myself for some adjusted vocabulary. I knew, for example, that I would have to train myself to say ‘soda’ in public instead of ‘pop’ because New Englanders have apparently never heard the term before in their lives and have no idea that it refers to a delicious carbonated, caffeinated beverage. I was also aware that the word ‘wicked’ would creep into my vocabulary with increasing regularity and it would not refer to the musical.

But enough is enough. I do not enjoy being looked at like I am completely insane if I mention a word or phrase in all innocence believing all people here can’t be morons, they must at least get the gist of what I’m speaking of even if they don’t use the language themselves, and then being proved horribly wrong. Everyone here apparently is a moron and my faith in humanity is shattered.

New Englanders think they are so progressive and open minded, also that they are better than everyone else because they live on the East Coast which is the only civilized land in the world. I’m serious, if it is west of Worcester, Mass, it becomes the Great Beyond. A land of mystery and danger and people who should be pitied.

They take vacations to other places in New England. They go to New York if they’re feeling particularly charitable toward the rest of the world. They cannot comprehend someone living happily somewhere else. If the rest of the country fell off in some sort of cataclysmic earthquake, or were attacked by North Korea, it would take them over a month to notice.

It is like they are stuck in colonial America and do not recognize that we have added some territory since 1781. Well, this is my open letter to New Englanders: The map above does not include the entire country. There is more out there. Deal with it.


  1. I'm sorry you don't feel like you belong. I hope you hang in long enough for us to come visit!

  2. Oh, dear kindred spirit. I lived in CT for 7 months before we got married and hated it after the first week. You are SO right that they think the earth ends somewhere in Western New York. I had never heard of dungarees (which we were allowed to wear on Fridays, had I owned a pair...turns out I did and didn't know it), davenports (which I needed one but didn't know how to ask for). I worked at a bank drive through and one little boy asked for a "pop". This confused me greatly and I thought he thought he was in an Ohio drive-through (you know, pop, beer, cigarettes) until I realized he wanted a LOLLYpop. So I said "Ohhhh, you mean a sucker?" And, if I'm lying I'm dying, three heads whipped around as if I'd said a cuss word. Apparently you do not use the word sucker with a 6 year old boy. They are definitely a different breed. I'd hoped since you were in Boston they'd be nicer there. We were an hour from NYC and right on the train line so most of our customers worked in the city and commuted. To say they had little time to talk and even less time to be friendly would be an understatement. Hope you become acclaimated soon (without losing your sweet Midwestern attitude :o) Jenni Koval